When thinking about the absent parent of my youngest daughter, I tend to fill with rage. I'm not normally an angry person, but the man makes me go straight up ape shit with his tactics and incompetence at being a decent human being. So, here's a few things I'd like to address just for him.
Dear Sperm Donor,
Thank you very much for the gift that is my child. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. My gratitude for you goes no farther than that.
She is eleven years old. You've spent one Christmas with her in that eleven years. You've been to one of her birthday parties in that eleven years. You bought her one bag of diapers before I potty trained her. You have said for years that I kept her away from you, but in actuality it was you who kept her away from you. I told you several times that I would allow you to see her in a public place, like the Sheriff's department parking lot, and you never would go for that. Every time your family ever showed an interest in having anything to do with her, I allowed it. But the phone calls were very few and far between. In the divorce and child custody agreement you were ordered to pay $120 dollars a month and was granted no visitation order whatsoever. The judge left it up to me about visitation until you decided to seek your own visitation rights, which you never done, along with never paying any of her child support. You held cash jobs so that a legal order couldn't be brought against you to pay. You've never owned property, so no lien could be obtained if you didn't support her, and then you got disability and her case was dropped. When her child support was dropped, you owed me close to $8000.00 in child support. I've never seen a penny of that money. The disability part doesn't bother me, because you are truly disabled. What bothers me is that you didn't put the effort into paying into SSI your whole life to earn your disability money. Paying taxes for a couple of weeks every few years does not entitle you to a Social Security check, in my opinion. The people who truly deserve disability are the ones who pay into SSI with every single job they hold until the date they are no longer able to work, or until the age of retirement.
Then, after all of those years of abandoning your responsibilities as a parent, you had a brain aneurysm and I got a call from your sister asking me to pray for you. I did pray for you. I even felt bad for you. I rolled it over in my mind for a whole week after your surgery about whether I was being too harsh on you, was I holding a grudge, or was I just protecting my daughter from the person I knew so long ago. The man who never took responsibility for his own actions, the man who allowed me to pay his child support for his son so he wouldn't go to jail, the man that mentally crushed my spirit, the man who did drugs with me and then ridiculed me for not being the strong one, the man who would do great and be a good person for a few weeks to only go back to his old ways when he had everyone convinced that he's not ugly inside. I felt sorry for you. Surely the demons you face are purely internal and you have a heart in there. I had heartfelt talks with many of my family members and yours, I asked my child if she would like the chance to know you, all the while having a nagging feeling in my heart that she would only be hurt. I had an adult conversation with you about what I expected when it came to my daughter. There were rules. Don't allow her around drug addicts, don't put her in harm's way, and be regular with the time you have with her. I didn't want to let you back in her life if you were just going to disappear on her again. The three rules were simple. You didn't follow them.
The biggest lesson here is that I am the constant parent. I am the one who has made lasting memories with her throughout her whole life, and will continue to make memories with her as long as I'm alive. I am the one who worries when she seems sad, and cares enough to let her know that she can talk to me about anything and trust me when she tells me things. I am the one who wipes her tears, holds her, kisses her, and hugs her. I am the one that makes sure that her needs are met in all aspects of her life. My daughter's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being has always been my job, and will be my job as long as I'm breathing. From clothing, to food, to school, to medical care.......It's always been me. I am constant. I've always done my job. You haven't. You failed her in many ways, and I still allowed you the opportunity to make it right. All you had to do was follow three simple rules to have what I have, this beautiful relationship with the most amazing person who has never harmed a soul, and you weren't man enough to do it. She's not missing out on a relationship with you. You're missing out on a relationship with her.
You see, absent parent, I talk to my child. She trusts me with her hopes and dreams because I've always been a constant and unwavering supporter of hers in any way that she ever needed. Not to say that I've never made mistakes. I'm far from perfect, I fall from grace, and I'm very flawed in a lot of ways. But she never has any doubts when it comes to me. She told me just yesterday that she felt like I pushed her to have a relationship with you and she mainly went along with it out of curiosity, so she could see what she was missing. She also said that when someone doesn't even have time to pick the phone up to check on her or find out what's going on in her life it makes her sad for a minute, but then she's like, "hey I'm okay." I knew something was wrong when I would ask her, "Have you talked to your dad today?" and she would just tell me that she hadn't. I knew it was hitting rock bottom and that she was having second thoughts when I would ask her, "Why don't you call your dad anymore?" and she would just say she didn't feel like talking. She always feels like talking to me, so there had to be something wrong. I asked your family what was going on with you only to be stonewalled with silence and excuses and probably lies.
I'm not sure if the rumors I've heard about you are true or not, but I do know that running away to another state all of a sudden seems a bit suspicious to me. I also know that our divorce papers state that we must provide a physical address to the Chancery Court Clerk if we move out of state. I followed that rule when I moved to Ohio, and when I moved back to Mississippi. I've contacted the clerk, and you've never provided them with any other address other than the one of the date of filing. So now if I want to file legal proceedings against you, I have no way to serve you. It's just as well, though, because you'll always be a runner. You've ran away your whole life. Sounds kind of sad and exhausting to me.
So, in closing, I'll just say this.....She doesn't really want anything to do with you after she got to know you, and there will be no more contact with her if I can help it. She is fine with that and wants me to protect her. I'm responsible for the well being of my child, and my devotion to her will never change. My conscience is clear. You had your chance. It's your fault. Not mine. Maybe one day you can look in the mirror like I did and say "I did this to myself, and I have no one left to blame," and try to do the next right thing. Until then, I wish you well. I won't poison myself any longer with your hate of years gone by. I've got a future here, and her name is Jacie.
Sincerely,
Mama Bear
Dear Dump,
(I promise I will never call you that in public or around your friends.)
I've loved you since I found out that you were growing inside of me. I cried. I laughed. I was scared. I was proud. You made a difference in me that day, my birthday, when I found out the news that Mama was gonna be a Mama again. I had a lot of things that needed changing in me before you were born and those changes began on that birthday in 2003 when I was 30 years old.
Fast forward to April of the next year when you were born. The day you came along was one of the best days of my life. I don't think I've ever cried that much with happiness in my heart. And that's what you've given me in your ten years.....so much happiness.
From the moment your feet hit the floor until you lay your pretty little strangy head down at night, you're happy. (You can thank me for that strangy hair, Miss Priss!) You've always looked at the bright side of life and found a way to leave the negative in file 13, where it belongs. (That's Military talk for the trash can, btw.) I've never been able to give you a lot of things that other children have because we live in the poverty level and you've never complained much about that. You've always been happy with the hugs and kisses and the little things like making muffins or brownies or clubhouses in the woods out of whatever junk you can drag up. That says a big whole bunch about your character. It says that you're a survivor. You're a lover. You're good. And yes, baby, YOU ARE SO GOOD!
Your passion for nature and animals is one of the greatest things about you. You get that from me, you know. We're nature lovers. Being outside is our thang! I always wanted to have a career helping animals or some type of scientist who studies bugs or frogs or something like that. You're so much like me! The way you talk when you play reminds me of how I used to do at your age and you didn't even know me back then. Wait, I didn't know you back then, either. It's like you're me, only without the nasty attitude! Now I'm not saying you're perfect because you have those days when you can smart-mouth your tail into making me totally lose my beans on ya! We both know that. What I'm saying is, I'm proud of you because you're like me......only better. You have a gift that is animals. I Pray that you find a way to do something with that gift that I wanted to do, but never got around to.
I love you, Dump. More than you'll ever know. More than you'll ever be loved. You made me a better person, ya know. I was on a really bad path in life before you came along and having you in my life changed how I felt about everything. Especially how I felt about myself. You were my second chance. You were my reason and my motivation to do the right things and make the right choices. I had gone on long enough doing the wrong things and you made me realize that we all deserved a healthy Mama. A Mama who could and would do what's right for her family. Thank you for saving my life, baby. Because you truly did.
Mama loves you. Muches and bunches. xo
Dear Bug,
You have brought so much joy to my life in the 18 years you've been in this cruel, but beautiful world. Carrying you for nine months and giving birth to you all natural were the hardest things I had ever done back then. At 22 years old, I didn't have the first clue about life, much less raising and caring for someone other than myself. I was scared of being a Mama, I admit it. I made a ton of mistakes, I admit that, too. I'm very ashamed of so many things that you had to go through all because I wasn't ready to be a parent. If I could go back and redo things, I would in a heartbeat. (I'm sure a lot of people say that from time to time.) So BabyBug, listen to this song right here and know that Mama loves you with all her heart. A Lot Of Things Different for my Bug
When you were a little baby, you were such a joy. You brought so many people happiness. You brought people together. We showed you off to many family members, many who aren't here anymore, and people would gather at family functions just for you. You were the first Grandchild, the Prodigy, the first of a new generation in MY family. You had the birthmark. You had the attitude. You were the next big thing. And with that you had big shoes to fill. Shoes that I was supposed to wear in my day, but never wanted to. People expect too much from you when you're the first, trust me I was a first, too. I didn't ask for it, but it followed me my whole life. So far, you've handled it with much more grace than I ever did. The pressure of being the first was too much for me and I did the exact opposite of what everyone expected. You've shined in the spotlight. You've lived your life, up to this point, with so much love in your heart. You have a love inside of you that, at your young age of 18, puts your Mama to shame. I was full of hatred at your age. And after all that you've been through, after all that you've survived, you have a love inside of you that I'm in awe of. I'm proud of you for that.
Now that you consider yourself a grown up, which you are, (I mean, let's face it, you HAD to grow up in the circumstances that you were dealt,) I have some Motherly advice for you. I also have a few things to tell you that may help in the rest of your journey through life. And I want you to know everything about you that makes me proud.
Please, Bug, whatever you do......always, always, always follow your heart. Even if it means your heart get's hurt or broken. Follow it. No matter what people say or think, it's your heart and no one else has your heart. No one else can live your life. No one else can bring you happiness. You are always responsible for your heart, so you follow it. While I'm over here giving advice and shit, let me tell you how important your dreams and ambitions are. I know how much you wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. Even if it's not in nursing like you planned, still follow that. There are so many ways that you can make a career out of helping children. Look at you now, making a difference to my little TurkeyButt. He doesn't have a Mama. He loves you as his Mama. No matter where his Mama is or what her future holds, look at what you're doing for him right now! Look how freaking amazing he is because of you! Look at the accomplishments he's reached because he had your help, your love, your attention, and your heart! YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING AMAZING ALREADY WITH THAT SWEET LITTLE BOY! Don't you give up your dreams and ambitions of wanting to be a help or to make a difference to children. You can do it. Set your mind to it, and just go for it, for fuck's sake! No one is stopping you but you. Make it happen. Don't be like me, 41 years old, wishing I would've done something. You've still got plenty of time. And I believe in you!
When I tell you that I'm 40 years old and I know shit, I hope you're listening. The biggest thing I want you to know is that no one else can live YOUR life. It was given to YOU by me. It's yours to do with as you please. No one is responsible for your mistakes or your milestones but you. With that being said, never allow anything negative into your life. If it's not benefiting you, get rid of it. Never hang onto ANY FRICKING THING that brings you down. I promise, you'll always know true happiness if you always surround yourself with good. Even if it means starting over with nothing (and yes, that's hard to do) you have to always do what's best and good and true for your life and for your well being and for your happiness. I spent too many years trying to please someone else and the years I lost aren't worth it. Take it from a woman who has been through any and all things that are bad. I've suffered all the kinds of abuse known to man and being a survivor is all I have to show for it. Don't be the woman I am. Be the woman who took the advice from a broken, used up, hurt, abused woman who learned some hard mother fucking lessons. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you have to depend on someone else. That shit hurts. And when you're not able to fend for yourself, you get taken advantage of. Then you get thrown away. Don't be someone's trash. Be someone's hero. And always know that you're already my hero.
Now, let me tell you how proud of you I am, and why I'm proud of you.......Bug, you didn't ask for the life your Dad and I gave you. It wasn't your fault that we couldn't stay together. It wasn't in the cards of life. That's my fault. But you know what? I'm so proud that we gained you from that relationship. Even though neither one of us were ready to be parents, I'm so proud that God decided to give us the gift that is you. You truly were the greatest Blessing that came from that relationship. I'm so proud that you always did so well in whatever you were faced with. It shows that you have the ability to adapt to whatever circumstances are thrown your way. I'm proud that you left at 13 to live with your Dad because my time in Ohio is something that no person should ever have to go through. I'm sorry for that, but you were in the best place for you at the time. No matter what you think of your Dad, he was a good person then. He did the best he could. I trusted him to take care of you, and he did that. It's hard for me to say anything bad about him because he went through some rough shit with me and you never went without anything you NEEDED. So you call your Dad and tell him thank you, because he did some sacrificing back in the day.
I'm proud that you came back to me at 17 with good intentions in your mind and heart. I didn't have anything at the time, but that was okay with you. I was different and you were, too. I'm proud that you recognized the changes I'd made and that you wanted to be close to me again. That meant so much to me. It also meant the world to your little sister. She adores you much more than you'll ever know. I'm proud of the young woman you've become. I'm proud that you're teaching a little boy what true love is. Even though he doesn't belong to you, he DOES belong to you. I'm so proud of you for that. Sometimes love is all it takes to make a difference in the life of a child. And that little boy loves you. You know it, your butthead of a boyfriend knows it, and TurkeyButt knows it. I just wish you knew how important that little threesome of a family you have means to me. Whether he knows it or not, I love your Butthead boyfriend and his sweetheart of a son. You guys mean the world to me.
And, in closing, here's you another song to listen to.......because life is a dance, and it's a beautiful dance if you choose for it to be. Please Dance, BabyBug. You're worth it!
I love you, more than you'll ever be loved in this lifetime. xo
