Dear Dump,
(I promise I will never call you that in public or around your friends.)
I've loved you since I found out that you were growing inside of me. I cried. I laughed. I was scared. I was proud. You made a difference in me that day, my birthday, when I found out the news that Mama was gonna be a Mama again. I had a lot of things that needed changing in me before you were born and those changes began on that birthday in 2003 when I was 30 years old.
Fast forward to April of the next year when you were born. The day you came along was one of the best days of my life. I don't think I've ever cried that much with happiness in my heart. And that's what you've given me in your ten years.....so much happiness.
From the moment your feet hit the floor until you lay your pretty little strangy head down at night, you're happy. (You can thank me for that strangy hair, Miss Priss!) You've always looked at the bright side of life and found a way to leave the negative in file 13, where it belongs. (That's Military talk for the trash can, btw.) I've never been able to give you a lot of things that other children have because we live in the poverty level and you've never complained much about that. You've always been happy with the hugs and kisses and the little things like making muffins or brownies or clubhouses in the woods out of whatever junk you can drag up. That says a big whole bunch about your character. It says that you're a survivor. You're a lover. You're good. And yes, baby, YOU ARE SO GOOD!
Your passion for nature and animals is one of the greatest things about you. You get that from me, you know. We're nature lovers. Being outside is our thang! I always wanted to have a career helping animals or some type of scientist who studies bugs or frogs or something like that. You're so much like me! The way you talk when you play reminds me of how I used to do at your age and you didn't even know me back then. Wait, I didn't know you back then, either. It's like you're me, only without the nasty attitude! Now I'm not saying you're perfect because you have those days when you can smart-mouth your tail into making me totally lose my beans on ya! We both know that. What I'm saying is, I'm proud of you because you're like me......only better. You have a gift that is animals. I Pray that you find a way to do something with that gift that I wanted to do, but never got around to.
I love you, Dump. More than you'll ever know. More than you'll ever be loved. You made me a better person, ya know. I was on a really bad path in life before you came along and having you in my life changed how I felt about everything. Especially how I felt about myself. You were my second chance. You were my reason and my motivation to do the right things and make the right choices. I had gone on long enough doing the wrong things and you made me realize that we all deserved a healthy Mama. A Mama who could and would do what's right for her family. Thank you for saving my life, baby. Because you truly did.
Mama loves you. Muches and bunches. xo
I've been putting this off for far too long. I kind of know what I want to say here, but haven't been able to come up with the right words to say it. So, I'll start at the beginning.
Back in the day, when the internet was dial up, I paid 20 bucks a month to have a place to go outside of my normal day-to-day life that I could be anyone I wanted to be. It was my way of escaping who I was and the life I was living. It was my way of NOT being who I actually was. You see, I didn't much care for me. I didn't like myself. You could even say that I hated me. I was my enemy. I was a drug addict with self esteem issues. I was a really messed up person. And I used the interwebs to be a better me. I used it to be a me that I wanted to be and hoped to be.
After years of therapy, dozens of different medicine combinations, two drug rehabs, and countless life lessons, I learned that I couldn't find happiness outside of my skin. The interwebs couldn't cure me, the doctors couldn't cure me, the rehabs couldn't cure me. It was up to me to be happy on my own. And if I couldn't learn to be happy, then I would be dead. It was at this point in life that I knew that I was worth living for. I wanted to live. REALLY LIVE! And no one was going to save my life but me. So my true journey began.
I slowly started telling myself every single day, no matter how hard it was, that happiness starts within me. I deserved it. I was loveable. I was worthy. I love me. I know it sounds simple, but it's how I survived. All the rehabs, doctors, and medicine didn't help me. I helped me. I just woke up one morning and said to myself, "Self, you don't like your life and the way you live, the way you feel, it's up to you to turn it around and start liking it, for fuck's sake!" And after that morning I was a totally different person. Sure I had bad days. I had bad dreams. It wasn't easy. Not at first. Doubt crept in from time to time and tried to make me think that I'd never make it. But I kept at it. I kept reassuring myself that my happy is mine alone and no amount of negative could take it away from me unless I let it. And I wasn't about to let it. That was around 8 years ago.
Now I'm not gonna say that life has been full of rainbows and shiny shit. I've had some bad times since then. I moved up to Ohio with a total asshat douchebag piece of shit motherfucker who drug me back down to darkness and stole everything I owned, but that was my bad. I won't blame him because all the red flags were waving before I took that big ole step, but my silly ass had to learn the hard way. Two broken ribs, one domestic violence shelter, and a charge of simple assault later and my ass was back home and back to telling myself that my happy was my damn happy again. Ya hear me?!?!
Fast forward to about 3 years ago......I was facebooking with a new found confidence. Getting back in touch with old friends from high school, connecting with family that had moved away from the area. Seeing my foster family in Georgia and how they had grown and had kids and went through hard times and happy times. I was a total freaking junkie for the book of faces! I made new friends. Saw a bunch of drama. Realized that sometimes your facebook profile is not the place to show how much of a dumbass you are. Facebook is not the place to blast your relationship problems. And facebook is not the place to run to when you're angry or emotional about something. It can and will cause you problems if you put your personal shit out there for everyone else to read. It taught me that if I have something to say to someone, I should take it directly to the person who should be hearing it.
And with that, I needed a place to vent sometimes. A place to let off steam and a place to say things where only other women could read them. A place to ask for advice when I needed it. And so I created a private group called "Hussies Unite" and asked a few friends to join and they invited their friends to join and so I became The Original Hussy®
The group has grown dormant since I started my own facebook page, but once in a while someone will come to the group just to vent, or share what's going on in their world. But mostly it's always quiet nowadays. It was a good thing for a while. And I'm somewhat sad that it's not very active anymore, but I have my page and my Tumblr and this. So I'm good.
And I'm happy. That was the whole point. My happiness. My self love. I found it with the help of others, my desire to love and be loved, and with sharing my nightmare of a life that turned into a life that is good. And by good, I mean I'm able to smile in most any situation because I know for a fact that I am worth much more than I thought I was back in the day.
Thanks for reading and much <3 Hussy Love <3
I've got a whole shit ton of it to pass around these days!
And if you're a woman who can keep a secret and need a place to vent or think you could help when someone else vents then please feel free to join the group, Hussies Unite!
