An Open Letter To The Absent Parent

When thinking about the absent parent of my youngest daughter, I tend to fill with rage.  I'm not normally an angry person, but the man makes me go straight up ape shit with his tactics and incompetence at being a decent human being.  So, here's a few things I'd like to address just for him.

Dear Sperm Donor,

Thank you very much for the gift that is my child.  She's the best thing that ever happened to me.  My gratitude for you goes no farther than that.

She is eleven years old.  You've spent one Christmas with her in that eleven years.  You've been to one of her birthday parties in that eleven years.  You bought her one bag of diapers before I potty trained her.  You have said for years that I kept her away from you, but in actuality it was you who kept her away from you.  I told you several times that I would allow you to see her in a public place, like the Sheriff's department parking lot, and you never would go for that.  Every time your family ever showed an interest in having anything to do with her, I allowed it.  But the phone calls were very few and far between.  In the divorce and child custody agreement you were ordered to pay $120 dollars a month and was granted no visitation order whatsoever.  The judge left it up to me about visitation until you decided to seek your own visitation rights, which you never done, along with never paying any of her child support.  You held cash jobs so that a legal order couldn't be brought against you to pay.  You've never owned property, so no lien could be obtained if you didn't support her, and then you got disability and her case was dropped.  When her child support was dropped, you owed me close to $8000.00 in child support.  I've never seen a penny of that money.  The disability part doesn't bother me, because you are truly disabled.  What bothers me is that you didn't put the effort into paying into SSI your whole life to earn your disability money.  Paying taxes for a couple of weeks every few years does not entitle you to a Social Security check, in my opinion.  The people who truly deserve disability are the ones who pay into SSI with every single job they hold until the date they are no longer able to work, or until the age of retirement.

Then, after all of those years of abandoning your responsibilities as a parent, you had a brain aneurysm and I got a call from your sister asking me to pray for you.  I did pray for you.  I even felt bad for you.  I rolled it over in my mind for a whole week after your surgery about whether  I was being too harsh on you, was I holding a grudge, or was I just protecting my daughter from the person I knew so long ago.  The man who never took responsibility for his own actions, the man who allowed me to pay his child support for his son so he wouldn't go to jail, the man that mentally crushed my spirit, the man who did drugs with me and then ridiculed me for not being the strong one, the man who would do great and be a good person for a few weeks to only go back to his old ways when he had everyone convinced that he's not ugly inside.  I felt sorry for you.  Surely the demons you face are purely internal and you have a heart in there.  I had heartfelt talks with many of my family members and yours, I asked my child if she would like the chance to know you, all the while having a nagging feeling in my heart that she would only be hurt.  I had an adult conversation with you about what I expected when it came to my daughter.  There were rules.  Don't allow her around drug addicts, don't put her in harm's way, and be regular with the time you have with her.  I didn't want to let you back in her life if you were just going to disappear on her again.  The three rules were simple.  You didn't follow them.

The biggest lesson here is that I am the constant parent.  I am the one who has made lasting memories with her throughout her whole life, and will continue to make memories with her as long as I'm alive.  I am the one who worries when she seems sad, and cares enough to let her know that she can talk to me about anything and trust me when she tells me things.  I am the one who wipes her tears, holds her, kisses her, and hugs her.  I am the one that makes sure that her needs are met in all aspects of her life.  My daughter's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being has always been my job, and will be my job as long as I'm breathing.  From clothing, to food, to school, to medical care.......It's always been me.  I am constant.  I've always done my job.  You haven't.  You failed her in many ways, and I still allowed you the opportunity to make it right.  All you had to do was follow three simple rules to have what I have, this beautiful relationship with the most amazing person who has never harmed a soul, and you weren't man enough to do it.  She's not missing out on a relationship with you.  You're missing out on a relationship with her.

You see, absent parent, I talk to my child.  She trusts me with her hopes and dreams because I've always been a constant and unwavering supporter of hers in any way that she ever needed.  Not to say that I've never made mistakes.  I'm far from perfect, I fall from grace, and I'm very flawed in a lot of ways.  But she never has any doubts when it comes to me.  She told me just yesterday that she felt like I pushed her to have a relationship with you and she mainly went along with it out of curiosity, so she could see what she was missing.  She also said that when someone doesn't even have time to pick the phone up to check on her or find out what's going on in her life it makes her sad for a minute, but then she's like, "hey I'm okay."  I knew something was wrong when I would ask her, "Have you talked to your dad today?" and she would just tell me that she hadn't.  I knew it was hitting rock bottom and that she was having second thoughts when I would ask her, "Why don't you call your dad anymore?" and she would just say she didn't feel like talking.  She always feels like talking to me, so there had to be something wrong.  I asked your family what was going on with you only to be stonewalled with silence and excuses and probably lies.

I'm not sure if the rumors I've heard about you are true or not, but I do know that running away to another state all of a sudden seems a bit suspicious to me.  I also know that our divorce papers state that we must provide a physical address to the Chancery Court Clerk if we move out of state.  I followed that rule when I moved to Ohio, and when I moved back to Mississippi.  I've contacted the clerk, and you've never provided them with any other address other than the one of the date of filing.  So now if I want to file legal proceedings against you, I have no way to serve you.  It's just as well, though, because you'll always be a runner.  You've ran away your whole life.  Sounds kind of sad and exhausting to me.

So, in closing, I'll just say this.....She doesn't really want anything to do with you after she got to know you, and there will be no more contact with her if I can help it.  She is fine with that and wants me to protect her.  I'm responsible for the well being of my child, and my devotion to her will never change.  My conscience is clear.  You had your chance.  It's your fault.  Not mine.  Maybe one day you can look in the mirror like I did and say "I did this to myself, and I have no one left to blame," and try to do the next right thing.  Until then, I wish you well.  I won't poison myself any longer with your hate of years gone by.  I've got a future here, and her name is Jacie.

Sincerely,
Mama Bear

A Letter To The Ones Who Hurt Me

Dear Motherfuckers who harmed me, wronged me, took advantage of me, and ultimately made me stronger:

I beat you.  I screwed you in the most awesome way you could ever imagine.

I found a happiness that you WILL NEVER FIND.

I became so strong because of you that no amount of sad or stupid will ever break me.

I learned how to function in a world full of angry with a genuine smile on my face and in my heart.

I know what's important, and you aren't a part of that importance.

Sincerely,
This Hussy who has became so much better because of the lessons.

Why I Am The Original Hussy® (Part 2)

I've been putting this off for far too long.  I kind of know what I want to say here, but haven't been able to come up with the right words to say it.  So, I'll start at the beginning.


Back in the day, when the internet was dial up, I paid 20 bucks a month to have a place to go outside of my normal day-to-day life that I could be anyone I wanted to be.  It was my way of escaping who I was and the life I was living.  It was my way of NOT being who I actually was. You see, I didn't much care for me.  I didn't like myself.  You could even say that I hated me. I was my enemy.  I was a drug addict with self esteem issues.  I was a really messed up person.  And I used the interwebs to be a better me.  I used it to be a me that I wanted to be and hoped to be.

After years of therapy, dozens of different medicine combinations, two drug rehabs, and countless life lessons, I learned that I couldn't find happiness outside of my skin.  The interwebs couldn't cure me, the doctors couldn't cure me, the rehabs couldn't cure me.  It was up to me to be happy on my own.  And if I couldn't learn to be happy, then I would be dead.  It was at this point in life that I knew that I was worth living for.  I wanted to live. REALLY LIVE!  And no one was going to save my life but me.  So my true journey began.

I slowly started telling myself every single day, no matter how hard it was, that happiness starts within me.  I deserved it.  I was loveable.  I was worthy.  I love me.  I know it sounds simple, but it's how I survived.  All the rehabs, doctors, and medicine didn't help me.  I helped me.  I just woke up one morning and said to myself, "Self, you don't like your life and the way you live, the way you feel, it's up to you to turn it around and start liking it, for fuck's sake!"  And after that morning I was a totally different person.  Sure I had bad days.  I had bad dreams.  It wasn't easy.  Not at first.  Doubt crept in from time to time and tried to make me think that I'd never make it.  But I kept at it.  I kept reassuring myself that my happy is mine alone and no amount of negative could take it away from me unless I let it.  And I wasn't about to let it.  That was around 8 years ago.

Now I'm not gonna say that life has been full of rainbows and shiny shit.  I've had some bad times since then.  I moved up to Ohio with a total asshat douchebag piece of shit motherfucker who drug me back down to darkness and stole everything I owned, but that was my bad.  I won't blame him because all the red flags were waving before I took that big ole step, but my silly ass had to learn the hard way.  Two broken ribs, one domestic violence shelter, and a charge of simple assault later and my ass was back home and back to telling myself that my happy was my damn happy again.  Ya hear me?!?!

Fast forward to about 3 years ago......I was facebooking with a new found confidence. Getting back in touch with old friends from high school, connecting with family that had moved away from the area.  Seeing my foster family in Georgia and how they had grown and had kids and went through hard times and happy times.  I was a total freaking junkie for the book of faces!  I made new friends.  Saw a bunch of drama.  Realized that sometimes your facebook profile is not the place to show how much of a dumbass you are.  Facebook is not the place to blast your relationship problems.  And facebook is not the place to run to when you're angry or emotional about something.  It can and will cause you problems if you put your personal shit out there for everyone else to read.  It taught me that if I have something to say to someone, I should take it directly to the person who should be hearing it.

And with that, I needed a place to vent sometimes.  A place to let off steam and a place to say things where only other women could read them.  A place to ask for advice when I needed it. And so I created a private group called "Hussies Unite" and asked a few friends to join and they invited their friends to join and so I became The Original Hussy® 

The group has grown dormant since I started my own facebook page, but once in a while someone will come to the group just to vent, or share what's going on in their world.  But mostly it's always quiet nowadays.  It was a good thing for a while.  And I'm somewhat sad that it's not very active anymore, but I have my page and my Tumblr and this.  So I'm good.

And I'm happy.  That was the whole point.  My happiness.  My self love.  I found it with the help of others, my desire to love and be loved, and with sharing my nightmare of a life that turned into a life that is good.  And by good, I mean I'm able to smile in most any situation because I know for a fact that I am worth much more than I thought I was back in the day.

Thanks for reading and much <3 Hussy Love <3
I've got a whole shit ton of it to pass around these days!

And if you're a woman who can keep a secret and need a place to vent or think you could help when someone else vents then please feel free to join the group, Hussies Unite!