Love is a Verb

I don't remember the exact moment that it happened, but I was sitting cross legged on my bed watching my cat sleep and realized that I have felt serene for quite some time now.  

I can't remember the last time I felt an anxiety attack building. I haven't felt any overwhelming sadness or worry or excessive anger in more than 6 months, maybe longer.  I don't seem to get frustrated or impatient like I used to. The voices in my head that used to tell me what a loser I was have all been eerily quiet lately. I don't get nervous in a crowd anymore. 

Most days I feel upbeat and nothing really seems to eat at me. 

I don't know when these changes started happening within me, but I'm pretty sure I know WHY they started happening.

I began being good to myself. I changed who and what I exposed myself to in life. I change what I expose myself to online. I started reading things that set my soul on fire. I began talking kindly to myself, on purpose. I began drinking more water and herbal tea, less coffee and soda. I began eating foods that are good for me. I started dancing and walking and stretching and moving on a regular basis.  I opened my heart up and became vulnerable with people I care about. I made prayer a priority and added meditation time to my daily life. I started writing again. I began exploring my own darkness and shadow self. I learned how to hold my inner child and make her feel seen and protected. I learned how to let go.  I learned how to forgive.

I may not ever know the exact moment that this feeling of inner peace began, but I know that I'm going to do everything within my power to make sure that I continue to flourish, continue to grow, continue to learn, and continue to thrive.

This happiness is what I've been looking for my whole life. It's always been mine. I just had to start giving it to myself instead of looking for it everywhere else. Somewhere along the way I began to have faith again, to believe again. To love, as a verb instead of a noun.

A Year Later

It's been a year since I dumped the piece of shit who worked so hard to ruin me and I'm so very grateful for therapy. I went from codependent and trauma bonded to self assured and full of love. Really, though, the dude was merely a blip in the grand scheme of things. We only dated six months, but the plethora of lessons I learned in those six months are going to serve me for many years to come, I'm sure of it. 

My therapist suggested that I make a list of things I learned about myself from being in a relationship with a narcissist. I ran this idea by my Sponsor (I work a 12 Step program) and she agreed that it would be helpful to have it on paper for future reference. (She's old school and doesn't use the internet for writing like I do, but this is just as good as paper.)

1. My boundaries are for my protection and anyone who doesn't respect them doesn't deserve my time or energy. 

2. I am allowed to have feelings, I'm allowed to express my feelings, and my feelings are valid.

3. No amount of gaslighting or manipulation will change me. Any changes I make are purely for my own good and I'm allowed to change and better myself at my own pace.

4. People who expect things from me that would damage my mental health or go against my values do not care about me.

5. Other people's bad behavior has nothing to do with me.

6. I am in no way obligated to tolerate other people's disrespect. 

7. I do not have to be around people who have harmed me.

8. I am allowed to say when someone has hurt me.

9. I am in control of who touches my body and how my body is touched.

10. No one is entitled to make demands on me, my life, or what I spend my time and energy on.

These are the most important things I learned and have lived by over the past year. These lessons have simplified my life, brought me closer to the people who love and respect me, and helped me grow so much. Who knew that spending six months with a sniveling coward would strengthen me so much, but here I am...fucking crushing it!

As this year draws to a close I'm so excited to see what the next one brings. Changing my perspective has changed my whole life. And deciding to dump a fucking clown just put me back in the driver's seat of my own progress. I've been a whole year without anyone trying to harm me and it's because of my ability to be honest with myself, my willingness to reflect on and take accountability for my own behaviors, and my ability to be open and vulnerable with the people in my life who genuinely care about me.

Life is good today.

💛❤ Hussy Love ❤💛

To My Online Stalker

"The more I see the more I know I made the right decision to walk away permanently."

You didn't make a decision to walk away. You were dumped because you repeatedly manipulated me, disrespected me, and abused me.

The only contact I've had with you since I dusted your sorry ass was to tell you that your apology meant nothing to me and to ask you to stop stalking me online. 

Get some help. 

Moving On

 I've been given so much great advice from women I trust and admire through the years, but there's one piece of advice that has always proven to be true for me: Always trust your gut. 

I remember the first day that I met my most recent ex boyfriend, Michael. (I'm using his real name because this is my truth.) I'm sure he'll try to scream 'SLANDER' when he reads this, and let's face it, he WILL read it. He basically stalks me online using fake accounts that I've had to block, he watches my Facebook page relentlessly, I don't even care. I mean, how many Michael's are there in the world? Only the people close to me will be able to know exactly which Michael I'm talking about here. The fact is, you can't slander the truth, and I literally have every single message we've ever exchanged to prove the story I'm about to share here beyond any shadow of a doubt.

The first day I met him was at a campout I attended with my Narcotics Anonymous family. He pulled up on a loud ass motorcycle that drew the attention of everyone in the campground. True to style, all eyes on him. It didn't take him long to make his way to where I was sitting and introduce himself with a huge air of confidence. Looking back on that first exchange I see how he strutted, like he was cock of the walk, and the only person impressed was me. After the first awkward hug hello I would be made to feel like the only woman that walked the Earth that day. I remember feeling so important, but trust me when I tell you that it didn't take long into the relationship until that importance faded into the background of this man's own inflated ego. Some of my friends have even remarked that they couldn't wait to get away from him that very day because all he seemed to talk about was himself, but the wool was sure pulled over my eyes because I was instantly enamored by him. One trick of the trade for a textbook narcissist is love-bombing, and this mother fucker was an expert at it. He would use this trick on me every single time he felt me seeing his true nature.

We talked into the late night hours that first meeting, exchanged numbers, kissed goodnight, and parted ways with plans for him to visit me at my house in the coming week. He sent me a beautiful text the next morning that had me swooning and asking myself how I got so lucky to find someone I'd been asking the Universe for. I even expressed to him the day before that I'd been manifesting a relationship that would be a friendship to me, someone who liked to do the things I liked to do, someone with a sense of humor, someone who was like minded politically, someone that enjoyed spending time with me. I told him how happy I was in life and that I was looking for someone to add joy and happiness to the life that I'd already created for myself. And in the beginning he did that.

It wasn't long before he brought chaos and discord, though. The first time he came to my house he began to manipulate me, but I was too blinded by what I thought was a gift from the Universe that I just didn't see it.  I had it in my mind that this was to start out as a friendship and blossom into something bigger. I wanted to take things slowly and get to know each other on an emotional and intellectual level before anything physical happened. He immediately pushed that boundary. He was so physical that first night and every other time he came to my house that I very quickly felt like he just wanted someone to have sex with. He pushed my boundaries sexually, too. My ptsd fucked with me every single time I ever had sex with him. It was clear to me that he was happiest while performing sexually and that was my first mistake in the  relationship. I reverted back to what I'd always known to do, fake orgasm to get him off me so we could go back to just spending time together. That's all I really wanted, was someone to spend time with, and he was fun to be around even if he had no idea how to please me sexually.

I'm going to do an awful lot of 'looking back' throughout this process because I've learned some hard lessons and some great things about myself from this dumpster fire of a relationship, so just bear with me. 

Looking back I see my first mistake. I allowed my sexual urges to overpower my real desires here and put my true self second to a manipulative man. He wasn't the first, I'd been here many times throughout my life and it's always been one of my downfalls. Somehow I know that if you're still reading this, you know exactly how that feels. I allowed this man to have what he wanted in order for me to get what I wanted instead of the other way around. 

Any time that I complained about feeling used he would turn it around on me, make me feel like my feelings regarding the matter were unfounded and without merit. People who care about each other make sacrifices and do things they don't like to do for each other, after all...for the relationship don't you know that? Nevermind that I'd actually been in a healthy and loving relationship where mutual respect was never once lost before...yes, I knew what a successful relationship was. I had one with my late husband, rest his soul. But Michael had me believing that I could show HIM what a healthy relationship looked like.

That was my second big mistake. When this man expressed to me that he had no idea how to be in a healthy relationship I should have ran. My stupid ass took it as a challenge. Even after my kids expressed that they didn't like this man, even after people that knew him told me I should cut my losses and run, even after my own eyes told me that this would never work...my heart told me that I could love him. And I did. I loved him with a fierceness. I saw his brokenness, his weaknesses, his flaws and faults, and loved him deeply, ON PURPOSE, with the intent of showing him what a healthy relationship could look like.

There came a point where petty arguments through text message became a cycle we would find ourselves in. Every few days there would be some dumb disagreement that left me feeling emotionally drained, depleted, and questioning my own worth. What was I doing to cause his displeasure? I began to feel like if I just kept my own emotions to myself and never explained how his manipulations, gaslighting, then love bombing made me feel maybe everything would go more smoothly. I could never make him understand that communicating about my emotions WAS healthy. At this point I felt like the only way he was happy was to be mindlessly pumping his penis in and out of me, because that was the only time I saw him happy...after the endless and furious ejaculation session he so desperately craved. He never once made love to me in a way that I needed, kept his eyes closed during his furious pumping toward his one sided release, and was always happy to do whatever I craved after he was done. I'm disgusted with myself for ever taking part in it and for allowing it to continue for as long as I did. 

He worked insidiously to make me more and more insecure along the way, too. He would hint at other women wanting him, make comments about inappropriate message exchanges, and later I found out that he definitely did have inappropriate exchanges with other females every time we had a falling out, which was often. I never felt insecure before he acted this way. I had worked very hard to get to a place personally before meeting him that insecurity wasn't anything I struggled with. I loved myself and didn't feel any need to be in competition with other women before meeting him. I was on the road of being empowering to other women and lifting my sisters up. It's something I feel very strongly about and still practice today. For the short time that he had me believing that ANY of my sisters were my competition when it came to him really backfired. That was HIS downfall. 

Looking back I see that's where he lost my respect. When he tried to make me feel like other women were my competition. It was all downhill from there. He never regained my respect, either. He tried to portray to me that he was some grand prize to be won in life, and at this point I knew exactly what he was. My own ego took over at this point and I was determined to hold hope for a relationship that would never be what I wanted. I wanted something free flowing, something beautiful. This was a fucking nightmare. This was two egos in battle and we were both bullies and bleeding. I'm trying to show him how to effectively communicate and him incessantly trying to prove how great he is. It was the most horrible thing I'd been through in many years, but the most eye opening and greatest learning experience of my lifetime.

I learned that I can't negotiate love with a narcissist. I can't force empathy onto a person who doesn't understand what empathy is. I'm grateful I was, and still am, currently seeing a therapist through this whole ordeal, because she has been able to point out things that I overlooked throughout the whole process. She told me early on that I was dealing with a narcissist and explained how it would play out. She was right on the mark in every prediction she made.

I broke up with him several times over his behavior. The way he treated me when I tried to express my feelings was unacceptable. He never could see that. Any apology he ever offered was broad and never offered any accountability for his actions, and never accompanied by any changed behavior. I wrote him letters expressing my concern regarding this, laying out what I expected, outlining my boundaries regarding how we should treat one another. He would acknowledge that everything in the letters were things he was willing to work on and that what I had written was the same things that he wanted out of the relationship, but never knew how to change his way of thinking to achieve those things. He could never accept any feelings I had that didn't glorify him. He could never compromise the fact that he always had to be right, and never apologized for it either. From the beginning of the relationship, until the day I was completely done with it...he was always right in his own eyes. 

And even more so now. He's so right that suddenly he's the victim. Nevermind that my family saw him for what he was, my friends saw him for what he was, my therapist saw him for what he was. Nevermind that I apologized many times after I laid in bed crying, after he manipulated and gaslighted me, and made me feel like I was the one who was always at fault. How dare I ever have any feelings. How dare I ever point out any of his flaws. How dare I ever think that he's not perfect and beautiful and just the greatest thing to ever happen to me. FUCK THIS DUDE. Yes, it's true...I do not have once ounce of respect left for him at this point. Neither does anyone around me who has watched me go through any of this. I'm grateful I only wasted six  months of my life here. It could have been worse if he would have been able to control himself long enough for us to get serious enough to move in together. At this point he was unable to hide what he was from me any longer. I have texts, voicemails and call logs showing just how he acts when he doesn't get his way. Showing just how entitled he thinks he is to someone else's time and energy. Showing just how childish he can be when he's told no. He showed me just how uncontrollable he can get when things don't go his way or when he feels like he is 'losing'. And goddamn, does this man-child forever despise losing. He comes unglued anytime I've ever seen him pushed to admit defeat. He will go to ANY lengths to prove he is right. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad. He's losing anything that could be good for him simply because he doesn't know how to conquer his own fear of losing. He's so oblivious to his own weaknesses that his weaknesses ruin everything he touches. 

The final straw that drove me away was right before New Year's. I'd been working really hard to allow him some grace and opportunity to be what he kept claiming he could be...a decent fucking person. The truth is I was just waiting for the shoe to drop again. At this point I was tired, really didn't believe he would make any changes, and probably just going through the motions to make a point to myself that I had given him enough chances and he was never going to be what he tried to portray to the world. We had plans to spend New Year's together and it would be our first New Year's kiss. For me it would be the first one I'd had from anyone since my husband died in 2016, for him it was supposedly going to be his first ever. I don't believe that, especially now. So my youngest daughter expressed to me, after Michael and I had already made our plans, that she wanted to come and spend the New Year with me. When I told her about my plans she expressed her disapproval, of course. She couldn't stand him. She wanted it to be just me and her. Every time she came to spend time with me it felt like he was there. She needed some alone time with her Mama. There was no way I was going to tell her no. She pulls rank over ANY man. PERIOD.

So the next day I am getting ready to go to my therapy appointment and remember the conversation with my daughter the night before and think to myself, "Shit. I need to let Michael know about the change of plans for New Years." I send him a text, head out for my therapy appointment, and while sitting in her office I get his response.

Screenshots of this conversation:

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I told my therapist during our session that day that I wasn't surprised by his response, and she expressed that she wasn't either. She reminded me of how hard I'd worked to get to where I was at, of everything that I'd allowed from him up until this point, and how I was going to be okay no matter what he said or did. My daughter came for her visit and we discussed the break up. She was relieved by it, and I'm not gonna lie, so was I. 

This man really felt like he was entitled to special consideration when it came to decisions I made regarding my children. He feigned concern and admiration for my family when he had never once shown the slightest interest or basic respect for any of them. So I'd finally had enough. I basically told him to get fucked, picked myself back up, and got my ass back on track just as quickly as I could.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...there was a girl that he has regular contact with that was sending him nude pictures while we were broken up at one point. He made sure to let me know about how explicit they were when we decided to try to work things out for the last time. Turns out he spent New Year's with her, and wanted to rub it in my face by suggesting she post pictures of them together in a mutual Facebook group we were all members of. I saw the pictures on New Year's Day and immediately left the group. I've blocked every account that even remotely resembles him in any way. I have no desire to know anything about him today, but still have to explain to people that I don't want to know anything about him anymore. 

I learned my lesson with this one. Anything that seems too good to be true probably is. A lion will never have to tell you he's a lion. When the first red flag appears, cut it loose. Real love requires little effort. If you're working to the point of lost peace, no joy, and exhaustion to try to make something work, it's just not worth it. 

I'm so glad that there was someone in my life at one point who loved me properly, because he gave me such a gift. The knowledge that all men are not the same. The confidence to know my own worth. The ability to open my heart to people who deserve this love I have to offer. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from this last ex, too. I know he's reading this. So, Michael, thank you for strengthening my ability to walk away from things not meant for me. I hope you find the ability to grow personally so no other women have to be harmed by your lack of self awareness. And I hope you get everything you deserve.

Peace.

Dear Monster

Dear Monster,

I confronted the monster who made me a monster. It didn't help. It didn't bring me peace. It didn't help make me a better person. It didn't validate me. 

It reaffirmed my knowledge that the abuser never acknowledges the pain, that they won't apologize and beg for forgiveness, and that they will only deflect. They will tell you how strong of a person you are because of the things that they heaped upon you. They will explain that because of what they did to you, that you are a better person for having experienced it all. They will ask you if you need some extra abuse by telling you that they miss you. They will make you feel guilty because you decided to never subject yourself to that abuse again. 

I find myself being the same kind of monster that the monster was to me. I deflect and blame when I'm faced with my own bad decisions. I rationalize and construct alternative realities for the reality of my own person. I drink to hide the pain, and create more pain because I AM THE PROBLEM NOW. I desire better, I pray to be better, but I end up drunk and crying alone feeling sorry for myself and blame, blame, blame. 

This is how the monster who made me a monster won. This is his triumph. He has won this battle as long as I choose not to fight any longer. But, as resigned as I am today, who would I be fighting for? Myself? My child? You fucking right I will. I'll fight for me and for her, because I'm a goddamn warrior. I've never been afraid of anything, unless you count losing myself. 

This is my time. It's time I rise and it's time to stop victimizing who I am. It's time to stop feeding the monster. It's time to burn this mother fucker to the ground and do it with such ferocity that anyone watching will be afraid of the outcome. When I rise, I do it with grace. I do it in love. I do it for vengeance. Get ready monster, you're about to die.

Prayer For Bill

Before I pray for you, Mr. Bill, I have lit a yellow candle in reverence for my desire of unity.

I come to you, Mother Earth and Father Sky, with a humble heart and a sincere desire to wish upon my brother, Mr. Bill, a sense of wholeness, a true heartfelt peace within his whole being. I pray for his faith, that he will know it and lean upon it as the true rock that only our faith can bestow upon us. I pray for his conviction to be turned toward the good will of all mankind. I pray for his soul to be kept free from harm, to be kept sacred among this universe and be used to turn people of his faith to goodness.

In all of your infinite wisdom, I pray these things in the name of The Mother and The Father to keep Mr. Bill Blessed among us.

Amen

The First Stage Of My Grief-The End Of My Happily Ever After

I don't know how I can do this.  How do I close my eyes and rest without you beside me?  How do I learn to control my fears and anxieties that you always gently erased in me?  How do I ease my frustrations without you here to just do the next right thing?  As a matter of fact, how will I know what the next right thing to do even means?

I've lost more than a husband.  I've lost more than a best friend.  I've lost more than a partner.  I've lost so much more than any of these words could ever describe.  Your soft, gentle touch.  Your warmth, all around me, all of the time.  Your special way of telling me that I'm being too much of an asshole while loving me anyway.  Your attempt at sarcasm that always lightened my mood and my eyes.  The look on your face when you were serious, angry, happy, afraid, ashamed, relaxed, relieved, felt love, proud.  The special things that only you and I know.  The secrets we share.  Yes, I have the memories, but this pain is unbearable.  You were my rock.

You not only loved me to my very core, you loved my daughters with such fierceness that can only be described as parental.  You were a real DAD.  It may have been a short time, but you loved us in a way that we had never felt, and will never even try to find again.  For there was only one Scooter.  There could never be another man who could ever show us the passionate love that you had for family.

The soft forehead kisses, the hard hungry kisses, the blown kisses.  Please don't forget that I still need these from you.  Even in my dreams.....please don't leave me.  Please don't leave us. Tell me what I should do?  I'll recognize your signs, Hunny.

This pain is too much.  If you were here, you would hold me and soothe my hair as I sob uncontrollably into your warm chest.  You would pull my face to yours, look me right in the eye, and promise that you would fix this or at least protect me from it.  I need you.  We all need you.

Opinions. Everyone has an asshole.

*DISCLAIMER:  I'll be using the word 'opinion' about seventy-eleven times in this particular post.  If you don't like other people's 'opinion' then you should probably exit stage left right now.  This whole post is about ME and MY 'opinion', so please be aware that you've been properly warned.

Now let me open a Miller Lite and get to it.

I've hurt people online with my opinions.  I'm not sorry for that, because I had no intention of hurting anyone by not agreeing with them.  I didn't attack anyone.  I didn't offer anything other than my own opinion.  I will never feel bad for feeling like I do on any given subject. I'm too old for that shit.  I've had too many people in real life who tried to get me to conform  to their ideas.  Not gonna happen.  I do what I want and say what I want.  You don't agree with me, that's cool.  I don't agree with you, and that should be cool with you.

"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one."


I don't have a lot of fucks to give these days.  I'm busy with life.  I don't wish anyone harm, and I don't wish anyone sadness.  I don't like it when I see someone who's going through a hard time because I've been through a ton of hard times myself.  I can promise you that if I give my opinion on any given subject it's because it's a very important subject to me.  I have no underlying motive, either.

I believe in the things that I believe in, and you believe in the things that you believe in.  That's cool with me.  I don't give a shit.  No matter what you say, or how many times you explain yourself, I won't be changing my stance on something if it's my own personal conviction.  I'll listen and respect your take on any certain subject respectfully, but it's highly unlikely that a disagreement will change my mind.  Internet trolls be damned.  I feel this way for a fucking reason.  You can explain yourself until you're blue in the face.  You can play like my opinion hurts your feelings if you want. My opinion is MINE.  My opinion is just as important as anyone else's.  Yours is important to you and mine is important to me.  Just because I have an opinion different from yours doesn't mean that you're being attacked or belittled.  On the contrary.  If you feel attacked or singled out by someone else's opinion then you should probably change shoes, as it doesn't have anything to do with me.

"If the shoe fits, wear it."


When someone posts something that not everyone agrees with, there are bound to be disagreements.  Especially if it's something controversial.  But looking at a certain person in a negative way just because they don't think exactly like you doesn't make you a victim. You're not a victim of internet bullying just because someone doesn't like what you said, or your grammar, or your parenting skills, or anything else you may claim.  You can't pull the victim/bully card just because someone doesn't like you or they disagree with you.  You don't have the power to change another person's mind.  Maybe you saw that you could have been able to make more of an effort to better your own situation and got your feelings hurt.  No one is responsible for your feelings or actions but you.  What I do online is my business, just like what you do online is your business.  When I ask for opinions, I expect a variety of opinions.  I don't care if someone doesn't agree with me.  I don't get angry when someone doesn't agree with me, either.  When I share my opinion I'm just doing it where it's appropriate, where opinions of varying degree are welcomed or asked for.  Unless I call your name then you're not the one I'm talking about.  Get over yourself.  You're not that important to me.  I've got way too many things on my mind to be caring if you agree or not.  If you don't agree, you're welcome to state your opinion just like I am and move on.  That's how most grown ups do it, anyway.

"Ain't nobody got time for that."


We all have busy lives with our own household to run.  The 'poor me' attitude of someone who feels attacked by a difference of opinion is a thing of the past.  I don't run around the internet trying to put other people down.  I don't think I'm better than another person who I may or may not know.  I don't discriminate against any soul that dwells on this Earth.  We're all facing our own demons.  I care about living and letting someone else live.  I don't care what you're going through, I'll respect you until you disrespect me.  You're no different than I am.  We're all struggling to have a happy life no matter what circumstances we've been dealt.  I feel empathy when I can, and sympathy for those that deserve it.

"We're all the same inside."


If I offer advice it's because I've been through some shit.  It's because I know a little bit about the lessons I've learned in MY life.  It's an opinion.  You can take it.  You can leave it.  You can get your panties in a bunch and show your ass all over the interwebs, it doesn't matter to me.  It doesn't matter to your audience, either.  If you set out to hurt someone over YOUR butthurt, then you'll only be hurting yourself.  You can't make people stick around and enjoy you if you're always dragging up shit that hurt your feelings.  Doing that only makes people run away from you.  If you want people to like you, then you should at least be likable.  Most likeable people aren't whiny little pussies, in MY opinion.

"Only the strong survive."


You could have a different opinion than I have about anything from the most comfortable socks or undies we wear, to religion and politics and parenting.  I don't care what your opinion is, it still won't change mine.  That doesn't mean that you have a license to pull the 'I'm being bullied' card.  It means we don't agree, there's nothing wrong with not being in agreement with someone.   Leave it as a disagreement, move on, and let shit go.  If some people can agree to just disagree then those people are the ones who are taking the higher road.  No harm, no foul.  Disagreements should never be the reason for a shit-storm.

"Let's just agree to disagree."


Time for this old Hussy to step outside of the crazy and maybe drink another beer.  Who's with me?

An Open Letter To The Absent Parent

When thinking about the absent parent of my youngest daughter, I tend to fill with rage.  I'm not normally an angry person, but the man makes me go straight up ape shit with his tactics and incompetence at being a decent human being.  So, here's a few things I'd like to address just for him.

Dear Sperm Donor,

Thank you very much for the gift that is my child.  She's the best thing that ever happened to me.  My gratitude for you goes no farther than that.

She is eleven years old.  You've spent one Christmas with her in that eleven years.  You've been to one of her birthday parties in that eleven years.  You bought her one bag of diapers before I potty trained her.  You have said for years that I kept her away from you, but in actuality it was you who kept her away from you.  I told you several times that I would allow you to see her in a public place, like the Sheriff's department parking lot, and you never would go for that.  Every time your family ever showed an interest in having anything to do with her, I allowed it.  But the phone calls were very few and far between.  In the divorce and child custody agreement you were ordered to pay $120 dollars a month and was granted no visitation order whatsoever.  The judge left it up to me about visitation until you decided to seek your own visitation rights, which you never done, along with never paying any of her child support.  You held cash jobs so that a legal order couldn't be brought against you to pay.  You've never owned property, so no lien could be obtained if you didn't support her, and then you got disability and her case was dropped.  When her child support was dropped, you owed me close to $8000.00 in child support.  I've never seen a penny of that money.  The disability part doesn't bother me, because you are truly disabled.  What bothers me is that you didn't put the effort into paying into SSI your whole life to earn your disability money.  Paying taxes for a couple of weeks every few years does not entitle you to a Social Security check, in my opinion.  The people who truly deserve disability are the ones who pay into SSI with every single job they hold until the date they are no longer able to work, or until the age of retirement.

Then, after all of those years of abandoning your responsibilities as a parent, you had a brain aneurysm and I got a call from your sister asking me to pray for you.  I did pray for you.  I even felt bad for you.  I rolled it over in my mind for a whole week after your surgery about whether  I was being too harsh on you, was I holding a grudge, or was I just protecting my daughter from the person I knew so long ago.  The man who never took responsibility for his own actions, the man who allowed me to pay his child support for his son so he wouldn't go to jail, the man that mentally crushed my spirit, the man who did drugs with me and then ridiculed me for not being the strong one, the man who would do great and be a good person for a few weeks to only go back to his old ways when he had everyone convinced that he's not ugly inside.  I felt sorry for you.  Surely the demons you face are purely internal and you have a heart in there.  I had heartfelt talks with many of my family members and yours, I asked my child if she would like the chance to know you, all the while having a nagging feeling in my heart that she would only be hurt.  I had an adult conversation with you about what I expected when it came to my daughter.  There were rules.  Don't allow her around drug addicts, don't put her in harm's way, and be regular with the time you have with her.  I didn't want to let you back in her life if you were just going to disappear on her again.  The three rules were simple.  You didn't follow them.

The biggest lesson here is that I am the constant parent.  I am the one who has made lasting memories with her throughout her whole life, and will continue to make memories with her as long as I'm alive.  I am the one who worries when she seems sad, and cares enough to let her know that she can talk to me about anything and trust me when she tells me things.  I am the one who wipes her tears, holds her, kisses her, and hugs her.  I am the one that makes sure that her needs are met in all aspects of her life.  My daughter's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being has always been my job, and will be my job as long as I'm breathing.  From clothing, to food, to school, to medical care.......It's always been me.  I am constant.  I've always done my job.  You haven't.  You failed her in many ways, and I still allowed you the opportunity to make it right.  All you had to do was follow three simple rules to have what I have, this beautiful relationship with the most amazing person who has never harmed a soul, and you weren't man enough to do it.  She's not missing out on a relationship with you.  You're missing out on a relationship with her.

You see, absent parent, I talk to my child.  She trusts me with her hopes and dreams because I've always been a constant and unwavering supporter of hers in any way that she ever needed.  Not to say that I've never made mistakes.  I'm far from perfect, I fall from grace, and I'm very flawed in a lot of ways.  But she never has any doubts when it comes to me.  She told me just yesterday that she felt like I pushed her to have a relationship with you and she mainly went along with it out of curiosity, so she could see what she was missing.  She also said that when someone doesn't even have time to pick the phone up to check on her or find out what's going on in her life it makes her sad for a minute, but then she's like, "hey I'm okay."  I knew something was wrong when I would ask her, "Have you talked to your dad today?" and she would just tell me that she hadn't.  I knew it was hitting rock bottom and that she was having second thoughts when I would ask her, "Why don't you call your dad anymore?" and she would just say she didn't feel like talking.  She always feels like talking to me, so there had to be something wrong.  I asked your family what was going on with you only to be stonewalled with silence and excuses and probably lies.

I'm not sure if the rumors I've heard about you are true or not, but I do know that running away to another state all of a sudden seems a bit suspicious to me.  I also know that our divorce papers state that we must provide a physical address to the Chancery Court Clerk if we move out of state.  I followed that rule when I moved to Ohio, and when I moved back to Mississippi.  I've contacted the clerk, and you've never provided them with any other address other than the one of the date of filing.  So now if I want to file legal proceedings against you, I have no way to serve you.  It's just as well, though, because you'll always be a runner.  You've ran away your whole life.  Sounds kind of sad and exhausting to me.

So, in closing, I'll just say this.....She doesn't really want anything to do with you after she got to know you, and there will be no more contact with her if I can help it.  She is fine with that and wants me to protect her.  I'm responsible for the well being of my child, and my devotion to her will never change.  My conscience is clear.  You had your chance.  It's your fault.  Not mine.  Maybe one day you can look in the mirror like I did and say "I did this to myself, and I have no one left to blame," and try to do the next right thing.  Until then, I wish you well.  I won't poison myself any longer with your hate of years gone by.  I've got a future here, and her name is Jacie.

Sincerely,
Mama Bear

What Friendship Means To Me. #FriendshipRevolution

Photo courtesy of Alone At Dawn

Alone At Dawn on Facebook

When thinking of what I want or expect in a true friend, it's not very complicated.  I have only a handful of real life friends that I actually spend physical time with, and I'm okay with that.  I'm weird when it comes to spending time with people.  I'm not very trusting when it comes to allowing people into my everyday life.  I've been burned so many times by people that were supposed to be my friend that I eventually just shut out most people.  I'm at a place in life where it doesn't really matter if someone visits me on a regular basis, if they like me or if they don't, or about trying to impress anyone.  I love my true friends with a fierce passion and would go to the ends of the Earth to help them if I'm in a position to do so.  When I see them or talk to them, nothing has changed in my eyes.  We just pick up where we left off.  No fuss.  Simple.

HunnyMan and I chillin' on a backroad

My very best friend is my HunnyMan.  He knows how I tick, and still makes fun of me, and still loves being around me, and doesn't give a fuck if I want to be quiet or want to be loud.  He accepts me as I am in pretty much any situation and we have fun together.  Whether we're messing around in the yard, just hanging out in our recliners, doing the dirty in the bedroom, or any mundane chore that must be done we love being together.  Some nights he has to beg me to play Monopoly, (because that game sucks since they've figured out how to beat me) but we laugh.  Being a friend that I can laugh with is awesome.

I have a close neighbor, who I can't name because she doesn't do the internet thing, who brings her kids over from time to time and we've gotten pretty close.  We'll call her 'Suzy Q' just for kicks.  She reminds me of a Suzy Q.  So, her two girls are ten and seven.  Lil Dump loves when they come over here or we go over there.  HunnyMan is friends with Suzy Q's husband so it makes for a good match.  We all win in this situation.  Suzy Q and I get to hang out, the kids get to make memories, and the men even get some much needed man therapy.  The thing about Suzy Q and I is that we are both on the same page when it comes to socializing.  We keep our circle small because we're both total weirdo's.  That's good for both of us.  We always enjoy hanging out together.  We have a lot in common.  We're both country ass hicks who drink beer and mess around in the woods.  We both wear boots and love riding around on ATV'S, and shit.  We both make our kids mind and teach them the way we were taught.  We both are total bitches and make fun of each other for being total bitches.  See what I mean?  Being a friend who has something in common with me is awesome.

Rissa and I.  This was a fun day!

I've got a friend who I rarely see anymore.  Not because we live too far apart, but because life gets in the way.  She's my girl, she helps me look out for nonsense in the one group that I started years ago, and she's fucking amazing.  She even helped me move some shit one time when I was down and out and had no one else.  She's one of those friends who are loyal to the end of the world.  She pretty much has it all.  The laughs, the love, the common denominators, the loyalty, and she get's my sarcasm.  I love you, Rissa!

My 19 year old, Me, and Mama

I'm friends with my Mama.  No need to explain that one.  She gives the best advice.  I'm friends with my little Sister and Brother.  We always have a lot of giggles when we're around each other.  I'm friends with my 19 year old.  I may ride her ass from time to time, but for the most part she's my friend now that she's grown.  Being friends with my family feels pretty damn good.  I also have family in Georgia that I still feel very close to thanks to social media.  They may not be my blood relatives, but they're a part of me, nonetheless. 

Speaking of social media and the sentiment of my family being part of my friendship circle brings me to my internet friends.  I've met some extraordinary people online.  Some of them know more about me than I know about myself.  No, seriously, some of them do know more than I care to divulge anywhere else.  Being part of a group brings you close to people who you wouldn't otherwise know in real life.  I share in their happiness, sadness, accomplishments, and even failures.  I share the same things with them.  I've grown to love a multitude of different people thanks to the interwebs.  They come from all walks of life.  They are all different and all special in their own way.  They play an important part in my life, whether they know it or not.  When I'm unable to reach out physically to a loved one, I can always go to my close online buddies.  They don't judge me, they don't hound me, they don't hate on me, but they ALWAYS know the right words to say when I need them.  I may not get the response that I want, but they will tell me what I need to hear.  Whether I agree with them or not, they're my friends.  I respect an opinion shared without malicious intent.  It's good for any grown person.  I take what I need, use it if I can, and do my very best to be the same type of friend to them.  I may fall short, but I try my best to be a good person, even when being a good person is hard for me to do.

I may not be everyone's friend, and that works for me since I'm such a weirdo.  I don't need to be everyone's friend.  I know that the things I expect from my friends are pretty much the same things that they're going to get from me.  I need laughter, something in common, loyalty, an understanding that sarcasm will happen, and a feeling of belonging.  It's a beautiful combination once we get to know each other.

See?  No fuss.  Simple.

Wanna go fishing?

HELL YEAH!