Love is a Verb

I don't remember the exact moment that it happened, but I was sitting cross legged on my bed watching my cat sleep and realized that I have felt serene for quite some time now.  

I can't remember the last time I felt an anxiety attack building. I haven't felt any overwhelming sadness or worry or excessive anger in more than 6 months, maybe longer.  I don't seem to get frustrated or impatient like I used to. The voices in my head that used to tell me what a loser I was have all been eerily quiet lately. I don't get nervous in a crowd anymore. 

Most days I feel upbeat and nothing really seems to eat at me. 

I don't know when these changes started happening within me, but I'm pretty sure I know WHY they started happening.

I began being good to myself. I changed who and what I exposed myself to in life. I change what I expose myself to online. I started reading things that set my soul on fire. I began talking kindly to myself, on purpose. I began drinking more water and herbal tea, less coffee and soda. I began eating foods that are good for me. I started dancing and walking and stretching and moving on a regular basis.  I opened my heart up and became vulnerable with people I care about. I made prayer a priority and added meditation time to my daily life. I started writing again. I began exploring my own darkness and shadow self. I learned how to hold my inner child and make her feel seen and protected. I learned how to let go.  I learned how to forgive.

I may not ever know the exact moment that this feeling of inner peace began, but I know that I'm going to do everything within my power to make sure that I continue to flourish, continue to grow, continue to learn, and continue to thrive.

This happiness is what I've been looking for my whole life. It's always been mine. I just had to start giving it to myself instead of looking for it everywhere else. Somewhere along the way I began to have faith again, to believe again. To love, as a verb instead of a noun.