Monday, October 10, 2016

The First Stage Of My Grief-The End Of My Happily Ever After

I don't know how I can do this.  How do I close my eyes and rest without you beside me?  How do I learn to control my fears and anxieties that you always gently erased in me?  How do I ease my frustrations without you here to just do the next right thing?  As a matter of fact, how will I know what the next right thing to do even means?

I've lost more than a husband.  I've lost more than a best friend.  I've lost more than a partner.  I've lost so much more than any of these words could ever describe.  Your soft, gentle touch.  Your warmth, all around me, all of the time.  Your special way of telling me that I'm being too much of an asshole while loving me anyway.  Your attempt at sarcasm that always lightened my mood and my eyes.  The look on your face when you were serious, angry, happy, afraid, ashamed, relaxed, relieved, felt love, proud.  The special things that only you and I know.  The secrets we share.  Yes, I have the memories, but this pain is unbearable.  You were my rock.

You not only loved me to my very core, you loved my daughters with such fierceness that can only be described as parental.  You were a real DAD.  It may have been a short time, but you loved us in a way that we had never felt, and will never even try to find again.  For there was only one Scooter.  There could never be another man who could ever show us the passionate love that you had for family.

The soft forehead kisses, the hard hungry kisses, the blown kisses.  Please don't forget that I still need these from you.  Even in my dreams.....please don't leave me.  Please don't leave us. Tell me what I should do?  I'll recognize your signs, Hunny.

This pain is too much.  If you were here, you would hold me and soothe my hair as I sob uncontrollably into your warm chest.  You would pull my face to yours, look me right in the eye, and promise that you would fix this or at least protect me from it.  I need you.  We all need you.

6 comments:

  1. This is as beautiful as it is saddening. I'm so sorry you even had to deal with something like this but at the same time I'm so proud of you my dear friend for hanging on, being strong and being so honest.
    Much love to you sista.
    -Justin

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    1. Grief is a hell of a drug, brother. It's either get motivated, or die with him. My girls can't afford the latter. Love you bunches!

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  2. I'm reading this with tears streaming down my face. My heart breaks for you. You felt genuine love. That's rare. Hold on to the memories. He is still with you in spirit. But don't be afraid to live again. I love and and admire your strength.

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    1. Thank you, Rissa. I love you. I'm trying. Anyone who asks more than that can suck my proverbial nutsack.

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  3. I lost my wife in Aug just 2 days shy of our 21st anniversary. I understand you pain and I grieve with you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

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  4. I cried reading this. The love you two shared was once in a lifetime. He made my best friend so happy. I love you and I'm just a phone call away.

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