Dear Monster

Dear Monster,

I confronted the monster who made me a monster. It didn't help. It didn't bring me peace. It didn't help make me a better person. It didn't validate me. 

It reaffirmed my knowledge that the abuser never acknowledges the pain, that they won't apologize and beg for forgiveness, and that they will only deflect. They will tell you how strong of a person you are because of the things that they heaped upon you. They will explain that because of what they did to you, that you are a better person for having experienced it all. They will ask you if you need some extra abuse by telling you that they miss you. They will make you feel guilty because you decided to never subject yourself to that abuse again. 

I find myself being the same kind of monster that the monster was to me. I deflect and blame when I'm faced with my own bad decisions. I rationalize and construct alternative realities for the reality of my own person. I drink to hide the pain, and create more pain because I AM THE PROBLEM NOW. I desire better, I pray to be better, but I end up drunk and crying alone feeling sorry for myself and blame, blame, blame. 

This is how the monster who made me a monster won. This is his triumph. He has won this battle as long as I choose not to fight any longer. But, as resigned as I am today, who would I be fighting for? Myself? My child? You fucking right I will. I'll fight for me and for her, because I'm a goddamn warrior. I've never been afraid of anything, unless you count losing myself. 

This is my time. It's time I rise and it's time to stop victimizing who I am. It's time to stop feeding the monster. It's time to burn this mother fucker to the ground and do it with such ferocity that anyone watching will be afraid of the outcome. When I rise, I do it with grace. I do it in love. I do it for vengeance. Get ready monster, you're about to die.