I've been given so much great advice from women I trust and admire through the years, but there's one piece of advice that has always proven to be true for me: Always trust your gut.
I remember the first day that I met my most recent ex boyfriend, Michael. (I'm using his real name because this is my truth.) I'm sure he'll try to scream 'SLANDER' when he reads this, and let's face it, he WILL read it. He basically stalks me online using fake accounts that I've had to block, he watches my Facebook page relentlessly, I don't even care. I mean, how many Michael's are there in the world? Only the people close to me will be able to know exactly which Michael I'm talking about here. The fact is, you can't slander the truth, and I literally have every single message we've ever exchanged to prove the story I'm about to share here beyond any shadow of a doubt.
The first day I met him was at a campout I attended with my Narcotics Anonymous family. He pulled up on a loud ass motorcycle that drew the attention of everyone in the campground. True to style, all eyes on him. It didn't take him long to make his way to where I was sitting and introduce himself with a huge air of confidence. Looking back on that first exchange I see how he strutted, like he was cock of the walk, and the only person impressed was me. After the first awkward hug hello I would be made to feel like the only woman that walked the Earth that day. I remember feeling so important, but trust me when I tell you that it didn't take long into the relationship until that importance faded into the background of this man's own inflated ego. Some of my friends have even remarked that they couldn't wait to get away from him that very day because all he seemed to talk about was himself, but the wool was sure pulled over my eyes because I was instantly enamored by him. One trick of the trade for a textbook narcissist is love-bombing, and this mother fucker was an expert at it. He would use this trick on me every single time he felt me seeing his true nature.
We talked into the late night hours that first meeting, exchanged numbers, kissed goodnight, and parted ways with plans for him to visit me at my house in the coming week. He sent me a beautiful text the next morning that had me swooning and asking myself how I got so lucky to find someone I'd been asking the Universe for. I even expressed to him the day before that I'd been manifesting a relationship that would be a friendship to me, someone who liked to do the things I liked to do, someone with a sense of humor, someone who was like minded politically, someone that enjoyed spending time with me. I told him how happy I was in life and that I was looking for someone to add joy and happiness to the life that I'd already created for myself. And in the beginning he did that.
It wasn't long before he brought chaos and discord, though. The first time he came to my house he began to manipulate me, but I was too blinded by what I thought was a gift from the Universe that I just didn't see it. I had it in my mind that this was to start out as a friendship and blossom into something bigger. I wanted to take things slowly and get to know each other on an emotional and intellectual level before anything physical happened. He immediately pushed that boundary. He was so physical that first night and every other time he came to my house that I very quickly felt like he just wanted someone to have sex with. He pushed my boundaries sexually, too. My ptsd fucked with me every single time I ever had sex with him. It was clear to me that he was happiest while performing sexually and that was my first mistake in the relationship. I reverted back to what I'd always known to do, fake orgasm to get him off me so we could go back to just spending time together. That's all I really wanted, was someone to spend time with, and he was fun to be around even if he had no idea how to please me sexually.
I'm going to do an awful lot of 'looking back' throughout this process because I've learned some hard lessons and some great things about myself from this dumpster fire of a relationship, so just bear with me.
Looking back I see my first mistake. I allowed my sexual urges to overpower my real desires here and put my true self second to a manipulative man. He wasn't the first, I'd been here many times throughout my life and it's always been one of my downfalls. Somehow I know that if you're still reading this, you know exactly how that feels. I allowed this man to have what he wanted in order for me to get what I wanted instead of the other way around.
Any time that I complained about feeling used he would turn it around on me, make me feel like my feelings regarding the matter were unfounded and without merit. People who care about each other make sacrifices and do things they don't like to do for each other, after all...for the relationship don't you know that? Nevermind that I'd actually been in a healthy and loving relationship where mutual respect was never once lost before...yes, I knew what a successful relationship was. I had one with my late husband, rest his soul. But Michael had me believing that I could show HIM what a healthy relationship looked like.
That was my second big mistake. When this man expressed to me that he had no idea how to be in a healthy relationship I should have ran. My stupid ass took it as a challenge. Even after my kids expressed that they didn't like this man, even after people that knew him told me I should cut my losses and run, even after my own eyes told me that this would never work...my heart told me that I could love him. And I did. I loved him with a fierceness. I saw his brokenness, his weaknesses, his flaws and faults, and loved him deeply, ON PURPOSE, with the intent of showing him what a healthy relationship could look like.
There came a point where petty arguments through text message became a cycle we would find ourselves in. Every few days there would be some dumb disagreement that left me feeling emotionally drained, depleted, and questioning my own worth. What was I doing to cause his displeasure? I began to feel like if I just kept my own emotions to myself and never explained how his manipulations, gaslighting, then love bombing made me feel maybe everything would go more smoothly. I could never make him understand that communicating about my emotions WAS healthy. At this point I felt like the only way he was happy was to be mindlessly pumping his penis in and out of me, because that was the only time I saw him happy...after the endless and furious ejaculation session he so desperately craved. He never once made love to me in a way that I needed, kept his eyes closed during his furious pumping toward his one sided release, and was always happy to do whatever I craved after he was done. I'm disgusted with myself for ever taking part in it and for allowing it to continue for as long as I did.
He worked insidiously to make me more and more insecure along the way, too. He would hint at other women wanting him, make comments about inappropriate message exchanges, and later I found out that he definitely did have inappropriate exchanges with other females every time we had a falling out, which was often. I never felt insecure before he acted this way. I had worked very hard to get to a place personally before meeting him that insecurity wasn't anything I struggled with. I loved myself and didn't feel any need to be in competition with other women before meeting him. I was on the road of being empowering to other women and lifting my sisters up. It's something I feel very strongly about and still practice today. For the short time that he had me believing that ANY of my sisters were my competition when it came to him really backfired. That was HIS downfall.
Looking back I see that's where he lost my respect. When he tried to make me feel like other women were my competition. It was all downhill from there. He never regained my respect, either. He tried to portray to me that he was some grand prize to be won in life, and at this point I knew exactly what he was. My own ego took over at this point and I was determined to hold hope for a relationship that would never be what I wanted. I wanted something free flowing, something beautiful. This was a fucking nightmare. This was two egos in battle and we were both bullies and bleeding. I'm trying to show him how to effectively communicate and him incessantly trying to prove how great he is. It was the most horrible thing I'd been through in many years, but the most eye opening and greatest learning experience of my lifetime.
I learned that I can't negotiate love with a narcissist. I can't force empathy onto a person who doesn't understand what empathy is. I'm grateful I was, and still am, currently seeing a therapist through this whole ordeal, because she has been able to point out things that I overlooked throughout the whole process. She told me early on that I was dealing with a narcissist and explained how it would play out. She was right on the mark in every prediction she made.
I broke up with him several times over his behavior. The way he treated me when I tried to express my feelings was unacceptable. He never could see that. Any apology he ever offered was broad and never offered any accountability for his actions, and never accompanied by any changed behavior. I wrote him letters expressing my concern regarding this, laying out what I expected, outlining my boundaries regarding how we should treat one another. He would acknowledge that everything in the letters were things he was willing to work on and that what I had written was the same things that he wanted out of the relationship, but never knew how to change his way of thinking to achieve those things. He could never accept any feelings I had that didn't glorify him. He could never compromise the fact that he always had to be right, and never apologized for it either. From the beginning of the relationship, until the day I was completely done with it...he was always right in his own eyes.
And even more so now. He's so right that suddenly he's the victim. Nevermind that my family saw him for what he was, my friends saw him for what he was, my therapist saw him for what he was. Nevermind that I apologized many times after I laid in bed crying, after he manipulated and gaslighted me, and made me feel like I was the one who was always at fault. How dare I ever have any feelings. How dare I ever point out any of his flaws. How dare I ever think that he's not perfect and beautiful and just the greatest thing to ever happen to me. FUCK THIS DUDE. Yes, it's true...I do not have once ounce of respect left for him at this point. Neither does anyone around me who has watched me go through any of this. I'm grateful I only wasted six months of my life here. It could have been worse if he would have been able to control himself long enough for us to get serious enough to move in together. At this point he was unable to hide what he was from me any longer. I have texts, voicemails and call logs showing just how he acts when he doesn't get his way. Showing just how entitled he thinks he is to someone else's time and energy. Showing just how childish he can be when he's told no. He showed me just how uncontrollable he can get when things don't go his way or when he feels like he is 'losing'. And goddamn, does this man-child forever despise losing. He comes unglued anytime I've ever seen him pushed to admit defeat. He will go to ANY lengths to prove he is right. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad. He's losing anything that could be good for him simply because he doesn't know how to conquer his own fear of losing. He's so oblivious to his own weaknesses that his weaknesses ruin everything he touches.
The final straw that drove me away was right before New Year's. I'd been working really hard to allow him some grace and opportunity to be what he kept claiming he could be...a decent fucking person. The truth is I was just waiting for the shoe to drop again. At this point I was tired, really didn't believe he would make any changes, and probably just going through the motions to make a point to myself that I had given him enough chances and he was never going to be what he tried to portray to the world. We had plans to spend New Year's together and it would be our first New Year's kiss. For me it would be the first one I'd had from anyone since my husband died in 2016, for him it was supposedly going to be his first ever. I don't believe that, especially now. So my youngest daughter expressed to me, after Michael and I had already made our plans, that she wanted to come and spend the New Year with me. When I told her about my plans she expressed her disapproval, of course. She couldn't stand him. She wanted it to be just me and her. Every time she came to spend time with me it felt like he was there. She needed some alone time with her Mama. There was no way I was going to tell her no. She pulls rank over ANY man. PERIOD.
So the next day I am getting ready to go to my therapy appointment and remember the conversation with my daughter the night before and think to myself, "Shit. I need to let Michael know about the change of plans for New Years." I send him a text, head out for my therapy appointment, and while sitting in her office I get his response.
Screenshots of this conversation:
I told my therapist during our session that day that I wasn't surprised by his response, and she expressed that she wasn't either. She reminded me of how hard I'd worked to get to where I was at, of everything that I'd allowed from him up until this point, and how I was going to be okay no matter what he said or did. My daughter came for her visit and we discussed the break up. She was relieved by it, and I'm not gonna lie, so was I.
This man really felt like he was entitled to special consideration when it came to decisions I made regarding my children. He feigned concern and admiration for my family when he had never once shown the slightest interest or basic respect for any of them. So I'd finally had enough. I basically told him to get fucked, picked myself back up, and got my ass back on track just as quickly as I could.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot...there was a girl that he has regular contact with that was sending him nude pictures while we were broken up at one point. He made sure to let me know about how explicit they were when we decided to try to work things out for the last time. Turns out he spent New Year's with her, and wanted to rub it in my face by suggesting she post pictures of them together in a mutual Facebook group we were all members of. I saw the pictures on New Year's Day and immediately left the group. I've blocked every account that even remotely resembles him in any way. I have no desire to know anything about him today, but still have to explain to people that I don't want to know anything about him anymore.
I learned my lesson with this one. Anything that seems too good to be true probably is. A lion will never have to tell you he's a lion. When the first red flag appears, cut it loose. Real love requires little effort. If you're working to the point of lost peace, no joy, and exhaustion to try to make something work, it's just not worth it.
I'm so glad that there was someone in my life at one point who loved me properly, because he gave me such a gift. The knowledge that all men are not the same. The confidence to know my own worth. The ability to open my heart to people who deserve this love I have to offer. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from this last ex, too. I know he's reading this. So, Michael, thank you for strengthening my ability to walk away from things not meant for me. I hope you find the ability to grow personally so no other women have to be harmed by your lack of self awareness. And I hope you get everything you deserve.
Peace.
