Wednesday, August 19, 2015

An Open Letter To The Absent Parent





When thinking about the absent parent of my youngest daughter, I tend to fill with rage.  I'm not normally an angry person, but the man makes me go straight up ape shit with his tactics and incompetence at being a decent human being.  So, here's a few things I'd like to address just for him.

Dear Sperm Donor,

Thank you very much for the gift that is my child.  She's the best thing that ever happened to me.  My gratitude for you goes no farther than that.

She is eleven years old.  You've spent one Christmas with her in that eleven years.  You've been to one of her birthday parties in that eleven years.  You bought her one bag of diapers before I potty trained her.  You have said for years that I kept her away from you, but in actuality it was you who kept her away from you.  I told you several times that I would allow you to see her in a public place, like the Sheriff's department parking lot, and you never would go for that.  Every time your family ever showed an interest in having anything to do with her, I allowed it.  But the phone calls were very few and far between.  In the divorce and child custody agreement you were ordered to pay $120 dollars a month and was granted no visitation order whatsoever.  The judge left it up to me about visitation until you decided to seek your own visitation rights, which you never done, along with never paying any of her child support.  You held cash jobs so that a legal order couldn't be brought against you to pay.  You've never owned property, so no lien could be obtained if you didn't support her, and then you got disability and her case was dropped.  When her child support was dropped, you owed me close to $8000.00 in child support.  I've never seen a penny of that money.  The disability part doesn't bother me, because you are truly disabled.  What bothers me is that you didn't put the effort into paying into SSI your whole life to earn your disability money.  Paying taxes for a couple of weeks every few years does not entitle you to a Social Security check, in my opinion.  The people who truly deserve disability are the ones who pay into SSI with every single job they hold until the date they are no longer able to work, or until the age of retirement.

Then, after all of those years of abandoning your responsibilities as a parent, you had a brain aneurysm and I got a call from your sister asking me to pray for you.  I did pray for you.  I even felt bad for you.  I rolled it over in my mind for a whole week after your surgery about whether  I was being too harsh on you, was I holding a grudge, or was I just protecting my daughter from the person I knew so long ago.  The man who never took responsibility for his own actions, the man who allowed me to pay his child support for his son so he wouldn't go to jail, the man that mentally crushed my spirit, the man who did drugs with me and then ridiculed me for not being the strong one, the man who would do great and be a good person for a few weeks to only go back to his old ways when he had everyone convinced that he's not ugly inside.  I felt sorry for you.  Surely the demons you face are purely internal and you have a heart in there.  I had heartfelt talks with many of my family members and yours, I asked my child if she would like the chance to know you, all the while having a nagging feeling in my heart that she would only be hurt.  I had an adult conversation with you about what I expected when it came to my daughter.  There were rules.  Don't allow her around drug addicts, don't put her in harm's way, and be regular with the time you have with her.  I didn't want to let you back in her life if you were just going to disappear on her again.  The three rules were simple.  You didn't follow them.

The biggest lesson here is that I am the constant parent.  I am the one who has made lasting memories with her throughout her whole life, and will continue to make memories with her as long as I'm alive.  I am the one who worries when she seems sad, and cares enough to let her know that she can talk to me about anything and trust me when she tells me things.  I am the one who wipes her tears, holds her, kisses her, and hugs her.  I am the one that makes sure that her needs are met in all aspects of her life.  My daughter's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being has always been my job, and will be my job as long as I'm breathing.  From clothing, to food, to school, to medical care.......It's always been me.  I am constant.  I've always done my job.  You haven't.  You failed her in many ways, and I still allowed you the opportunity to make it right.  All you had to do was follow three simple rules to have what I have, this beautiful relationship with the most amazing person who has never harmed a soul, and you weren't man enough to do it.  She's not missing out on a relationship with you.  You're missing out on a relationship with her.

You see, absent parent, I talk to my child.  She trusts me with her hopes and dreams because I've always been a constant and unwavering supporter of hers in any way that she ever needed.  Not to say that I've never made mistakes.  I'm far from perfect, I fall from grace, and I'm very flawed in a lot of ways.  But she never has any doubts when it comes to me.  She told me just yesterday that she felt like I pushed her to have a relationship with you and she mainly went along with it out of curiosity, so she could see what she was missing.  She also said that when someone doesn't even have time to pick the phone up to check on her or find out what's going on in her life it makes her sad for a minute, but then she's like, "hey I'm okay."  I knew something was wrong when I would ask her, "Have you talked to your dad today?" and she would just tell me that she hadn't.  I knew it was hitting rock bottom and that she was having second thoughts when I would ask her, "Why don't you call your dad anymore?" and she would just say she didn't feel like talking.  She always feels like talking to me, so there had to be something wrong.  I asked your family what was going on with you only to be stonewalled with silence and excuses and probably lies.

I'm not sure if the rumors I've heard about you are true or not, but I do know that running away to another state all of a sudden seems a bit suspicious to me.  I also know that our divorce papers state that we must provide a physical address to the Chancery Court Clerk if we move out of state.  I followed that rule when I moved to Ohio, and when I moved back to Mississippi.  I've contacted the clerk, and you've never provided them with any other address other than the one of the date of filing.  So now if I want to file legal proceedings against you, I have no way to serve you.  It's just as well, though, because you'll always be a runner.  You've ran away your whole life.  Sounds kind of sad and exhausting to me.

So, in closing, I'll just say this.....She doesn't really want anything to do with you after she got to know you, and there will be no more contact with her if I can help it.  She is fine with that and wants me to protect her.  I'm responsible for the well being of my child, and my devotion to her will never change.  My conscience is clear.  You had your chance.  It's your fault.  Not mine.  Maybe one day you can look in the mirror like I did and say "I did this to myself, and I have no one left to blame," and try to do the next right thing.  Until then, I wish you well.  I won't poison myself any longer with your hate of years gone by.  I've got a future here, and her name is Jacie.

Sincerely,
Mama Bear

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