Dear Bug,
You have brought so much joy to my life in the 18 years you've been in this cruel, but beautiful world. Carrying you for nine months and giving birth to you all natural were the hardest things I had ever done back then. At 22 years old, I didn't have the first clue about life, much less raising and caring for someone other than myself. I was scared of being a Mama, I admit it. I made a ton of mistakes, I admit that, too. I'm very ashamed of so many things that you had to go through all because I wasn't ready to be a parent. If I could go back and redo things, I would in a heartbeat. (I'm sure a lot of people say that from time to time.) So BabyBug, listen to this song right here and know that Mama loves you with all her heart. A Lot Of Things Different for my Bug
When you were a little baby, you were such a joy. You brought so many people happiness. You brought people together. We showed you off to many family members, many who aren't here anymore, and people would gather at family functions just for you. You were the first Grandchild, the Prodigy, the first of a new generation in MY family. You had the birthmark. You had the attitude. You were the next big thing. And with that you had big shoes to fill. Shoes that I was supposed to wear in my day, but never wanted to. People expect too much from you when you're the first, trust me I was a first, too. I didn't ask for it, but it followed me my whole life. So far, you've handled it with much more grace than I ever did. The pressure of being the first was too much for me and I did the exact opposite of what everyone expected. You've shined in the spotlight. You've lived your life, up to this point, with so much love in your heart. You have a love inside of you that, at your young age of 18, puts your Mama to shame. I was full of hatred at your age. And after all that you've been through, after all that you've survived, you have a love inside of you that I'm in awe of. I'm proud of you for that.
Now that you consider yourself a grown up, which you are, (I mean, let's face it, you HAD to grow up in the circumstances that you were dealt,) I have some Motherly advice for you. I also have a few things to tell you that may help in the rest of your journey through life. And I want you to know everything about you that makes me proud.
Please, Bug, whatever you do......always, always, always follow your heart. Even if it means your heart get's hurt or broken. Follow it. No matter what people say or think, it's your heart and no one else has your heart. No one else can live your life. No one else can bring you happiness. You are always responsible for your heart, so you follow it. While I'm over here giving advice and shit, let me tell you how important your dreams and ambitions are. I know how much you wanted to make a difference in the lives of children. Even if it's not in nursing like you planned, still follow that. There are so many ways that you can make a career out of helping children. Look at you now, making a difference to my little TurkeyButt. He doesn't have a Mama. He loves you as his Mama. No matter where his Mama is or what her future holds, look at what you're doing for him right now! Look how freaking amazing he is because of you! Look at the accomplishments he's reached because he had your help, your love, your attention, and your heart! YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING AMAZING ALREADY WITH THAT SWEET LITTLE BOY! Don't you give up your dreams and ambitions of wanting to be a help or to make a difference to children. You can do it. Set your mind to it, and just go for it, for fuck's sake! No one is stopping you but you. Make it happen. Don't be like me, 41 years old, wishing I would've done something. You've still got plenty of time. And I believe in you!
When I tell you that I'm 40 years old and I know shit, I hope you're listening. The biggest thing I want you to know is that no one else can live YOUR life. It was given to YOU by me. It's yours to do with as you please. No one is responsible for your mistakes or your milestones but you. With that being said, never allow anything negative into your life. If it's not benefiting you, get rid of it. Never hang onto ANY FRICKING THING that brings you down. I promise, you'll always know true happiness if you always surround yourself with good. Even if it means starting over with nothing (and yes, that's hard to do) you have to always do what's best and good and true for your life and for your well being and for your happiness. I spent too many years trying to please someone else and the years I lost aren't worth it. Take it from a woman who has been through any and all things that are bad. I've suffered all the kinds of abuse known to man and being a survivor is all I have to show for it. Don't be the woman I am. Be the woman who took the advice from a broken, used up, hurt, abused woman who learned some hard mother fucking lessons. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you have to depend on someone else. That shit hurts. And when you're not able to fend for yourself, you get taken advantage of. Then you get thrown away. Don't be someone's trash. Be someone's hero. And always know that you're already my hero.
Now, let me tell you how proud of you I am, and why I'm proud of you.......Bug, you didn't ask for the life your Dad and I gave you. It wasn't your fault that we couldn't stay together. It wasn't in the cards of life. That's my fault. But you know what? I'm so proud that we gained you from that relationship. Even though neither one of us were ready to be parents, I'm so proud that God decided to give us the gift that is you. You truly were the greatest Blessing that came from that relationship. I'm so proud that you always did so well in whatever you were faced with. It shows that you have the ability to adapt to whatever circumstances are thrown your way. I'm proud that you left at 13 to live with your Dad because my time in Ohio is something that no person should ever have to go through. I'm sorry for that, but you were in the best place for you at the time. No matter what you think of your Dad, he was a good person then. He did the best he could. I trusted him to take care of you, and he did that. It's hard for me to say anything bad about him because he went through some rough shit with me and you never went without anything you NEEDED. So you call your Dad and tell him thank you, because he did some sacrificing back in the day.
I'm proud that you came back to me at 17 with good intentions in your mind and heart. I didn't have anything at the time, but that was okay with you. I was different and you were, too. I'm proud that you recognized the changes I'd made and that you wanted to be close to me again. That meant so much to me. It also meant the world to your little sister. She adores you much more than you'll ever know. I'm proud of the young woman you've become. I'm proud that you're teaching a little boy what true love is. Even though he doesn't belong to you, he DOES belong to you. I'm so proud of you for that. Sometimes love is all it takes to make a difference in the life of a child. And that little boy loves you. You know it, your butthead of a boyfriend knows it, and TurkeyButt knows it. I just wish you knew how important that little threesome of a family you have means to me. Whether he knows it or not, I love your Butthead boyfriend and his sweetheart of a son. You guys mean the world to me.
And, in closing, here's you another song to listen to.......because life is a dance, and it's a beautiful dance if you choose for it to be. Please Dance, BabyBug. You're worth it!
I love you, more than you'll ever be loved in this lifetime. xo
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